Goodbye L-town

Tonight is my official last night in Lawrence. It's pretty weird. Well, anti-climactic is a better word. After lastnight's shenanigans I guess it is for the better that I take it easy tonight. I spent the day packing up my house with my dear mother who slaved away right along with me. Dad came just in time for dinner. I'm delighted we chose Johnny's down the street. Though it may not serve the finest food or maintain a level of cleanliness required by city code, it's a Lawrence establishment and the first place I had a beer with Amanda just over three years ago.

I finished up the night with my neighbors, Jesse and Dilly, watching a little television. I forgot what watching television was like. I don't think I even miss it. But I will miss those boys. I will miss not being able to walk around the front of my duplex and walk into their side of the house. They always greet me in a way that makes me know they're actually glad I'm there.

Now I'm laying in my empty room wondering what I can wonder about. It's actually weird that for the first time in I really don't know how long, I don't have to think about something. Sure there are big changes to come, but tomorrow I'm going on vacation. I should be more specific - my body will be re-locating to Denver for the weekend; my brain's been on vacation since yesterday at 3:00pm.

Thank you to each of you for your support during all of this. You mean the world to me. I couldn't have done it without you.

Goodnight, Lawrence.

I'm over it

In one week this madness is going to be over.

I can't imagine the relief I'll feel. I'm sure those closest to me will feel the reverberations of relaxation -- even those of you so far away, I'm sure you'll feel it too.

Today I hit a wall. I think I've hit at least three brick walls in the last two weeks. It's painful when you hit them because each time I wasn't expecting them. Once it happened when I expended most of a day studying one rule-laden subject with little pay off in practice test performance. It happened today because...well, who knows. I'm tired. I can't memorize everything. I'm lonely. The law is my only companion and right now the law is my enemy. Makes for some interesting open-ended, explitive-filled conversations with myself. Wouldn't you all like to be a fly on the walls of mom and dad's house right now...?

I called my mommy and daddy to cry about it. Instant therapy. I took a shower and then I did what every blue girl does -- blasted the radio and danced around the house singing to silly pop music.

Thank you, Katherine McPhee for reminding me just how "over it" I am today.

It's so SKI-Z!

A day on the lake is EXACTLY what I needed. It reminded me of my deep-seeded goal to one day own a house on the lake with a boat! Thanks to our generous professor, Katie, Dan, Jesse and I headed out to Clinton Lake yesterday for a day far away from BarBri woes. Here we are, sans Jesse who refused to be in pictures. Don't we look happy as clams to be here?

Dan and Katie are funny. A very competitive couple. Dan thinks Katie sucks at skiing, as shown below.

Unfortunately I failed to capture the essence of Dan's complete yard sale (to borrow a word from the snow-skiing vernacular which is used to describe a very hard fall in which the skiier loses multiple items from their person, such as skiies, poles, gloves, snow hat, etc). Suffice it to say, he's no better than Katie.

Then it was my turn. Here I am, waiting in the water. Reminding myself to think positively and visualize nothing but me skiing beautifully on glassy water. Well, it wasn't exactly glass that day, but it was pretty darn nice.

And just like that...I was up!!!

You can clearly tell from this picture on the right that I was leaning back a little too far and keeping my legs too far apart. Inevitably, I fell very soon.

But don't worry folks, I got right back up. Two or three more times. The last time I was giding beautifully in the wake. After a minute or so, I finally got brave enough to attempt to get out of the wake but that's when I fell again. This time, for the last time. I was pretty happy with myself. And now I've got a goal for next time: get out of the wake and STAY out. And then maybe a jump...who knows?? :)

Here we are, on the way home. A trio who clearly had lots of fun! Thank you, Kansas, for one nice day on the lake!

Trying to catch a firefly

A few nights ago I found myself in the midst of one of those rare but amazing Kansas nights. No wind. No heat. Just wonderful. And mother nature's icing on the cake included a sky full of fireflies. As they illuminated the night, I found myself thinking fondly back to those days when I was just a little girl trying to catch a firefly.

Now I'm at a time in my life when the world is my oyster and I'm happy for that as much as one can be when the world is their oyster. Like the magic words from Reading Rainbow, I really can go anywhere and be anything. I know that. It is now up for me to decide what that anything is and where that anywhere is...and I realize that this process doesn't have to happen in a day or a month or a year. I can be 75 and still have an oyster or two out their waiting for me.

What troubles me the most in my quest at life is the nature of the lifestyles I've contemplated in these past days. They are nothing short of polar opposites. I cannot seem to find that "happy median." And if ever there was a term I used to hate ("happy median") I am certain I see the utility in it just now. The happy median is, after all, I believe where I could really find the most happiness -- right there in the middle of these two opposing lifestyles.

Let me be more specific. I want a successful career but I want to spend whole days and weeks working in the garden in my backyard. I want to know high profile people and have fabulous five-course dinners but I want to make homemade wood-fired pizza on the deck at my house on the farm for my kids and their dad. I want to make loads of money and wear expensive clothes and have my friends notice what I'm wearing but I want the people around me to care less about what I am wearing. I want a loft in the heart of all the happy hour action and gossip with my friends about work scandals but I want to pop open a bottle of wine and watch the sunset on a horizon full of nothing but open plains with my husband and hear how his day was.

I know their is a middle ground here. I know I will find it. But I'm painfully aware that going through the motions will probably get me more in the former than the latter.

When it comes to these kind of deep-rooted personal decisions, I'm always looking for a sign. I look for some odd little roadmap in the stars to lead me down the right path. And in that way, I'm very much like that little girl I once was, still just trying to catch a firefly...hoping I'll pick that something that illuminates my way when I'm not sure where to go and lights up my life in only the magical way a firefly can.

More than a Mother

I don't remember the exact moment when I realized that my mom was more than just a mom to me, but my best friend as well. I imagine it was a slow process...our relationship ever-evolving over time as I matured from an ungreatful teenager to the "woman" I am today. It's difficult, as I sit down on Mother's Day, to pick out one story that defines how much I love my mother. There have been many defining moments in our 25-year long friendship: hours spent together in the kitchen, the first trip out to LA to see my brothers, our trip to Chicago...the list goes on. I could write at length about any of these moments. But as I sit here, about to embark on a new chapter in my life, I am reminded of a a very fond time I spent with my mom.

Much like I expect this upcoming summer to be, I was in the midst of a very lonely summer in Manhattan in between my Sophomore and Junior years of college. I had decided to stay in Manhattan for the summer so I could keep my job at the mental health center and take a few classes. Expecting to have roommates for the summer, I subleased a room in an apartment with two friends from the dorms. Less than two weeks into the summer, however, they made better plans and headed for Kansas City, leaving me all alone in their apartment.

It was a grueling summer for me. I wasn't used to being alone. I sometimes felt like I literally had zero friends. I found myself looking forward to work so I would have someone to talk to -- something to take up time. I don't know how I found myself feeling so lonely. I did have a few friends in town, but somehow our schedules didn't meet up right and it left me with a lot of down time. A lot of down time.

It was during these moments that I began to lean on my mom more than I ever had before. I'm certain that a day didn't go by without me calling her and talking to her on the phone for as long as she would allot. In fact, I'm certain I might have called her more than once a day on the days I didn't work. I don't remember what we ever talked about. I'm sure the conversations often consisted of me reporting to her exactly what I did that day and her listening as though she really was interested in the fact that I washed my car or had done something else equally mundane.

I know my mom sensed my immense loneliness. Because it was summer, she had a relatively free schedule and offered to come stay with me for a weekend. Whether or not I outwardly jumped at the chance, I was extremely elated inside. I needed a friend and what a better friend to offer to spend time with me than the woman who shares half of everything that I am.

I don't remember what all we did that weekend. I have vague memories of taking walks around campus and having a few nice meals at my favorite restaurants. I remember she even sat at a laundromat and did my laundry while I went to work. (It goes without saying, my mother is an amazing woman). What I do remember is wishing she could stay and be my roommate for the rest of the summer, knowing all too well that I would be lonely Adrienne again when she left.

Ofcourse those lonely days dwindled down and before I knew it, I was back in the swing of my fast-paced college life. I had my friends back in town and I had a full load of classes and work that kept me busy...too busy to always answer my mom's calls. But as I learned that summer and am continually reminded of, my mom is never too busy to answer my calls. She is always there to answer life's easiest and hardest questions: "What temperature do I bake bread at?"..."When will I ever fall in love?"

Thank you, mom, for being there for me that summer. Thank you for being the very dearest friend I will ever have. I love you and Happy Mother's Day!

I'm flooded

After a weekend of heavy rains, many areas of Kansas are flooded or threatened with flooding. The Kansas River is my personal gem as I make my way around Lawrence. I have to cross the river to go just about everywhere in Lawrence and I look forward to it every time. I looked forward to it a little more today because I knew the water would be running high. I'm not sure where my fascination with flooding comes from. Knowing the devastation it caused over fifteen years ago to many parts of my life (the Ranch house, Lake Wilson, etc) you would think I wouldn't be the biggest fan of floods. Maybe the impact it had on me at such an early age gave me a great respect for the damage that massive amounts of water can cause. Who knows. I snapped these photos on my way to school this morning. It was pretty amazing and the photos don't do it justice -- especially if you're not familiar with the usual water level.

The one directly above on the left is the east side of the river bridge and there are usually gates up to control the flow of water. Today, the water is too high to block.

As I watched the river rage for nearly fifteen minutes, I couldn't help but address my feelings of being flooded lately. In every possible way. In less than two weeks, my dear older brothers and their plus ones will be travelling back to Kansas for my graduation. My extended siblings -- Andrea and Travis -- will be there as well. As I think about the time we'll be spending together, I am flooded with emotions of joy and excitement. I can't imagine ever looking forward to a time more in my life. Sometimes I forget the personal milestone I'll be reaching. Sometimes I am flooded in the sadness of knowing they will be leaving all too soon.

I am also flooded in my own world, with both "work" and relationships. As I near the end of the semester, and seemingly have very little to do (finish a paper), I make a checklist in my mind of everything I really have to do and I begin to feel a little overwhelmed. Flooded, if you will.

I've never felt so flooded with relationships either. At a time when myself and those around me are gearing up for big changes, we all sense the urgency to hang out and spend as much time together as possible. To soak up these moments before the drought that inevitably will follow our graduation. And I'm suddenly flooded in my relationships with two very important males in my life. One who you've all heard of by now - Casey - who happens to make it his personal mission to flood my life in every way possible -- with time spent together, with sappy text messages, with flowers, the list goes on. And while I've made room in my life to appreciate these things, it seems the one area he cannot flood me with is the one area I'm dying without: a little personality. I find myself starved for a joke or sarcastic comment when I'm with him. Like a dried out plant, when I find a source of laughter, I soak it up in overwhelming amounts. This weekend I recognized one of my biggest sources of laughter as my very dear friend, Dakota. A boy who has been in my life for several years, often playing many different roles as friend or maybe something more. But timing has never been right with him. He couldn't be more opposite of Casey, both physically and personally.

As I sat with Dakota at a bar on Saturday night, doubled over in laughter, I couldn't help but think about my life 50 years from now when Casey's height and good looks mean nothing to me. Who will flood my life with joy? I feel like I'm at a crossroads - not wishing to hurt either's feelings but understanding I must consider my own. But there is no hurry, I cannot fight the heavy currents this early. For now, I'm being flooded and I think I like it.

Well, pink is my favorite color...

I've contemplated about whether to blog about this for a few days. But today I just couldn't help myself. This morning I woke up to Janie barking in my bed and seconds later, my alarm went off. Thinking that Janie just anticipated the alarm, I slowly crawled out of bed, in no hurry to get around. After putting on my robe, I heard Amanda close the front door and yell to me "something for you at the door, Adrienne!" I rushed out of my room and there in Amanda's hands were these:

So Casey has stepped up to bat (pardon the extremely cheesy pun, I couldn't help it). He got me a dozen pink roses for my last day of law school classes -- don't get me wrong, it is a momentous occasion, but not one that I ever thought would deserve a gesture of this magnitude. This was really just the icing on the top of one of the most bizarre two weeks ever. And now, in less than one week after breaking up with his girlfriend, he has attempted to spend time with me in just about every waking moment that he's not studying (which thankfully, he studies a lot). It has been extremely convenient for me to put him off, using the excuse that he shouldn't be rushing into something so quickly after a break up.

But the flowers got me thinking today. Why is it so hard to make space for somone like him in my life? I's not really about the ex. It's really about all this: It's scary, it's anxiety-causing, it's fun, it's wierd, it's everything that puts nausea-inducing butterflies in your stomach. And frankly, I'm about two seconds away from running and hiding in a corner.

And then I realize that's where I've really been for the last five years. In a corner. Where opportunities are hard to come by. So I'm moving out. I'm making my way into the big scary world. And if Casey wants to come along, I'm not going to discourage him. Not yet, at least.