Trying to catch a firefly

A few nights ago I found myself in the midst of one of those rare but amazing Kansas nights. No wind. No heat. Just wonderful. And mother nature's icing on the cake included a sky full of fireflies. As they illuminated the night, I found myself thinking fondly back to those days when I was just a little girl trying to catch a firefly.

Now I'm at a time in my life when the world is my oyster and I'm happy for that as much as one can be when the world is their oyster. Like the magic words from Reading Rainbow, I really can go anywhere and be anything. I know that. It is now up for me to decide what that anything is and where that anywhere is...and I realize that this process doesn't have to happen in a day or a month or a year. I can be 75 and still have an oyster or two out their waiting for me.

What troubles me the most in my quest at life is the nature of the lifestyles I've contemplated in these past days. They are nothing short of polar opposites. I cannot seem to find that "happy median." And if ever there was a term I used to hate ("happy median") I am certain I see the utility in it just now. The happy median is, after all, I believe where I could really find the most happiness -- right there in the middle of these two opposing lifestyles.

Let me be more specific. I want a successful career but I want to spend whole days and weeks working in the garden in my backyard. I want to know high profile people and have fabulous five-course dinners but I want to make homemade wood-fired pizza on the deck at my house on the farm for my kids and their dad. I want to make loads of money and wear expensive clothes and have my friends notice what I'm wearing but I want the people around me to care less about what I am wearing. I want a loft in the heart of all the happy hour action and gossip with my friends about work scandals but I want to pop open a bottle of wine and watch the sunset on a horizon full of nothing but open plains with my husband and hear how his day was.

I know their is a middle ground here. I know I will find it. But I'm painfully aware that going through the motions will probably get me more in the former than the latter.

When it comes to these kind of deep-rooted personal decisions, I'm always looking for a sign. I look for some odd little roadmap in the stars to lead me down the right path. And in that way, I'm very much like that little girl I once was, still just trying to catch a firefly...hoping I'll pick that something that illuminates my way when I'm not sure where to go and lights up my life in only the magical way a firefly can.